“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” Hamilton Wright Mabie. As families look toward the holiday season, most long for a season that conspires to love—one that brings thanksgiving, joy, and peace. Yet, many feel divorce dashes these hopes. It doesn’t have to. In the midst of divorce’s hard, the holidays can be happy for everyone.
Protect children’s happy place
Studies consistently show that when parents join forces to focus on the best outcomes for their children, something amazing happens. The parents do better as well. So, to create happy holidays for everyone, start with creating them for your children.
What are your children’s favorite elements in the holidays? How can you work together to make these happen? When parents focus on these—they lay a foundation for holiday magic for all.
Plan early for holiday success
Holiday plans go most smoothly when parents work together early to make plans. If you are going through divorce, choosing collaborative mediation means you can build your own plan. Work with your mediator to create a holiday plan (and the rest of parenting) that includes and protects elements unique and important in your family.
For those whose parenting plans simply say, “Follow Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines,” these arbitrarily designated holidays often disrupt long-time traditions and family priorities—leaving parents feeling frustrated and angry. The good news? As long as the two of you agree, you don’t have to stick with these. You can instead work together to protect the special moments for children and you. Make sure to spell out the agreements in order to protect the adjustments and make them go smoothly.
Some parents can join for the Thanksgiving meal, the visit to Santa, or around the Hanukkah menorah. If you can, that sharing of special moments as a redefined family can be one of the best gifts you give your children.
For others, emotions are still too raw. Parents know the underlying tension of trying to be together would tarnish the moments for their children. Those parents still provide great experiences for children as they work together to set up separate ways each can celebrate with children in ways important to children and each of them. Children still get to do Christmas Eve service with Dad or attend the Spirit of Kwanzaa with Mom—regardless if it is “their day.”
Often holidays bring extended families together. If your children are used to seeing cousins on Mom’s side for Thanksgiving and Grandparents on Dad’s side near Christmas, protect those patterns. That keeps the holidays special for children.
Make new holiday traditions
When you can’t follow old patterns, make new ones. New traditions (as simple as watching a special movie on Thanksgiving night to a more involved going to the zoo for New Year’s Eve) become new touchpoints for children. They can be powerful ways for children to build an identity in and connection to each parent’s home.
In the holiday planning—talk finances
If parents are joining for events, trips, or gifts—setting expectations for finances around the seasonal activities proves critical. Parents can be tempted to “make up” for the divorce by lavishing experiences or presents on children. Which, too often, means breaking the bank.
Often one parent is more financially restrained while the other believes money is no object. Yet, financially strapped parents are stressed parents. Stressed parents don’t bring holiday joy to children.
If you hope to share the cost of presents, trips, or other expenses—be clear about the costs. Specificity helps parents plan for what each of you can afford. Make agreements about total expenditures, how you are splitting those (both the percentages and the method), and when purchases will be made and by whom.
Being money-savvy applies for each of you individually as well. If you are each buying your own presents or taking your own trips, don’t feel you have to compete with the other parent. Know your own budget and stick with it. That peace will help you focus on the children. And, truly, your presence means much more than your presents.
Get new partners/spouses onboard
One common factor undermines even the healthiest coparenting relationship—the new person. Many step-parents are wonderful additions to a family system. They often serve as another source of support and love for children. Other newcomers can be the chief source of family melt-down.
People new to the family system face many hurdles. As they try to establish their relationship as the new primary connection to a parent, they must submit to the ongoing connection between former spouses as they coparent. Problems arise when new person tries to take over or forces a parent to choose between keeping the new person happy or protecting coparenting.
Clarity of plan provides a way out of the dilemma. When coparents have clearly decided how they will join forces to provide for children, parents can draw clear expectations for new partners. And, within that plan, a parent and new partner can find the space to build their own traditions.
Make room for your happy holidays
The first Thanksgiving meal around an empty table or quiet Christmas morning as children are with the other parent often feels devastating. How do parents find happiness here?
First, give yourself room to grieve. Divorce is a major loss. As you navigate anger, guilt, emptiness, and loss—don’t squelch the grief. Find ways to process it and heal. For many, therapy is key. Give yourself the gift of emotional health this season.
Next, fill the space with experiences or patterns that match your priorities. Perhaps you can use the time to catch up with family or friends that have been hard to see during busier holidays. Or maybe you join with those serving Thanksgiving meals at a food pantry or delivering meals to shut-ins. Do you reengage in your running for a holiday marathon or take a short vacation getaway? Maybe you plan a long bubble bath as you catch up on the book you’ve wanted to read. In short, the holidays can be days of renewal for you.
Finally, the biggest help may be simply resting in this truth—as difficult as it can be to not have children on a particular day—you know they are with the only other person on the planet who loves them as much as you do. Support children’s happiness while they are at their other parent’s home—then plan for great moments when they are back with you.
Holidays in divorce are hard. They just are. But, they can still be good. If parents work together, holidays can be happy for everyone.
If you would like more information on navigating all the decisions divorce, legal separation, or marital mediation requires, contact Resolution Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation. This is an
