“Judy” came to our office seeking information about divorce mediation. She made it through the conversation, then burst into tears. “I haven’t asked the hardest question,” she sobbed. “How do I tell him it’s time to divorce?”
Many couples jointly decide to divorce. While incredibly hard, at least the decision is joint.
For others, one spouse can’t keep going in the marriage while the other wants to—or at least thinks they do. Judy knew Jim would push to stay married. When she tried to address marital issues in the past, Jim didn’t believe anything was wrong. So, nothing changed. Judy feared her decision would surprise and hurt him. Her biggest question—“How do I say the marriage is over?”
Important—Almost no one wants divorce
The person telling and the person hearing that divorce is coming benefit from knowing that rarely—truly rarely—does either person “want” a divorce. Divorce raises fear, shatters dreams, and creates major change in every realm of life. More, it’s a complicated, expensive legal process that takes much longer than people ever feel is necessary. Few genuinely desire divorce. They just come to a place where they know the marriage is broken beyond repair.
When one person consciously knows this, the other often knows it deep down as well. Even spouses who absolutely don’t want to divorce also often acknowledge that they don’t want the marriage they have. Though pushed into a situation they didn’t start or want, they come to realize the marriage isn’t working and won’t bring the security or happiness they desire.
When to Tell Divorce is Coming
Timing plays a key role in telling the other spouse. The first focus may be to know when not to tell. Don’t tell:
- just before your spouse leaves for a major trip or important appointment. Adding more stress to the already heightened day won’t help them receive the news productively.
- around key special events such as holidays or special anniversaries. Tainting good memories with bad creates long-term hurt.
- in the heat of the moment. Throwing the message at someone in anger hugely endangers your ability to work together to make the important decisions you face.
Instead, make a plan for when you will tell that creates the chance for security and peace. Your mediator can help with this if you don’t know where to start.
Life is busy. In fact, many couples divorce precisely because they are too busy to be married. So, finding the right time to tell can prove challenging.
Don’t say, “We need to talk.” That sparks fear and defensiveness even before the conversation. Better would be, “Hey, I need about a half hour of your time one-on-one in the next week. Can you let me know 2 or 3 options good for you?”
This makes clear you need to be away from kids, chores, and other distractions. It provides the other person notice the conversation is important and gives them some control over when. This creates a more neutral ground.
If your spouses suspects what’s coming—they may try to avoid. If so, you can offer, “I have these three times, please choose one that works for you.”
Where to Tell
Several factors may impact this—the first is safety. If you fear physical danger for yourself, others, or even your property—that’s a far more complicated situation. Consult professionals in the legal and domestic violence areas to ensure the most safety possible.
If safety isn’t an issue, again—the don’ts. Don’t tell:
- at a restaurant. Publicly forcing horrible news on someone who is stuck sitting and listening with people watching hoping that will keep them quiet is both hugely disrespectful and cowardly.
- at their favorite place.
- often—in your home. Telling away from home provides a measure of home still being home. Yet, home may be the only spot for privacy. You may need to balance which factor will mean the most to each of you.
Going to a place where you can talk quietly while walking often works. People tend to find hard conversations easier when they are walking. A place around others that still allows privacy creates a setting that by its nature frames both to behave like adults. A park. A less busy mall. A beach.
Another option—If your spouse might need support, including others could be helpful. If you are in counseling, the counselor’s office may allow the counselor help you navigate the conversation and be available to support your spouse as needed. Let your counselor know what you plan so they can be ready.
Another time others being present might help would be if you have had conversations around your marital issues with a pastor, another couple, or close friends. It might ease the conversation to let your spouse know you want these people present so that you both have the support you need.
What to Say
If you have made the firm decision to divorce, be clear and direct, while maintaining kindness and empathy. (If you haven’t decided–that’s another topic.) You best achieve clarity with empathy with “I” statements. Something like, “I have come to the difficult decision that I cannot remain married. While I value you and much of our life together, I am moving forward with divorce.”
If you know this is going to surprise or overwhelm your spouse, that is enough. You can add something like, “I know this is huge. I want to give you space to process. We can talk about details in the next few days. I simply want you to know this is moving forward.” This avoids the conversation devolving into accusations or pleas.
You can/should add any immediate actions you are taking such as, “I have a place to stay for tonight so you can process.” This might be a good option or might make them feel you are abandoning them. So, first consider if staying elsewhere would help you. If so, do it. If not necessary for you, you might still offer, “Would you like me to stay elsewhere to give you room?”
If others aren’t present and you think it might be helpful to your spouse to have someone, offer, “I wanted you to hear this first privately. Is there anyone you would like me to call to be with you now?”
If your spouse is more receptive than anticipated or they truly need a “what next?” you might offer:
- How do you want to go back to the house—where should I sleep? (If you know you desire to sleep elsewhere—just say that.) How should we interact in front of the kids? When do you want to talk again?
- I have read about mediation. Mediation provides the opportunity for us to make decisions without becoming adversarial or hurting each other. I would be interested in exploring this option if you are.
- I know this is early, but I want to preserve the good we have had. How do we do that?
Then, let the other person respond
What if they ask “Why?”
Clients like Judy experience a common scenario. “Mary” tried to address marital issues for years. Joe either didn’t see the issues, didn’t want to make the needed changes, or simply avoided any action out of fear. Mary gave up and decided to divorce. But, she waited 3 years for the children to be out of school and to move to supervisor at work. In the meantime, she stopped talking about the marriage. Joe started to rest easy thinking all was good. Then, Mary dropped the bomb—she isn’t ask for counseling, but divorce.
Joe, desperate to avoid divorce, said, “I’ll do anything to save the marriage! Please go to counseling!” For these couples, the offer to go to counseling comes too late. The high trust needed to be fully committed to an intimate relationship is gone.
If your spouse asks “why,” that can be the answer. You can offer, “I will always care deeply for you. I do treasure the good we have had. But, the trust that we will be there for each other in ways we each need is gone. I can’t get that back.”
Telling the other spouse can be the most difficult moment in the entire divorce process. Yet, once both are clear that divorce is happening, the focus can be “How do we make the life we are moving into better than what we have now?”
If you would like more information on navigating all the decisions divorce, legal separation, or marital mediation requires, contact Resolution Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation. This is an advertisemet
