Going back to school usually comes with excitement about all children did over summer. Special trips, pool time, sleepovers, and hanging out with family created great memories. The stories and giggles abound. For some, however, the return to school comes after the hard transition to their parents’ divorce. Whether preschool or high school, the change in their family shaped a very different summer. This creates unique challenges for parents helping their children go back to school after divorce.
In the busyness of buying school supplies, signing children up for activities, and attending back-to-school nights—parents should add time to support and prepare their children. Some areas to consider include:
Talk with their teachers and school counselor
Let teachers know the change in your family to help them respond in more understanding ways. Teachers don’t know what they don’t know. In trying to keep multiple students on task, it’s easy to be frustrated when one isn’t doing what asked.
Due to grieving the divorce, children can be more emotional, less connected, or unable to concentrate. In moving their stuff between houses, children may forget homework or leave the “sports day” shirt at the other house. When teachers know what’s happening, instead of just assuming misbehavior, they can respond in more understanding ways and even offer tips to cope.
You can also include school counselors as a resource. They have information on how divorce may impact your child and tips on ways you can support your children. They also have context if children come to them for support.
For younger children, you can just let teachers and counselors know so they are in the loop. It’s still a good idea to remind them to be discrete, you just want them to know.
Older children may be more sensitive about “who knows.” Use your best judgment on whether to ask children first about whether it is ok to tell their teachers or to simply let your children know that you are going to do so. Some children need you to normalize that it’s ok to name the divorce for others and also to ask for help when needed. Other children need the control of who to tell and when. This is an area to think through carefully as you decide how to best help your children.
Create a system for transitioning between houses
The moving stuff between houses poses huge challenge for your child. Parents should work together—and with the children—to create a system that ensures children have what they need. Some tips include:
- Duplicate whatever you can—Having key items at both houses eases stress for everyone. Sometimes a parent may need the others assistance in knowing what shampoo, clothing, and even food the child needs. Share any inside tips you have to make children feel at home at both houses.
- List what needs to transition. You only want to buy one tuba or special helmet. Create a list of everything that goes between houses and even laminate. Then, use a wet or dry erase marker to check items as they are packed to transition.
- Pack the night before transition. For younger children, parents do best if they have everything in bags the night before. Children can grab their bag as they head to the bus or get into the car. As children get older (8-9 years old) parents can pack with them for a few weeks, then hand the responsibility to the child. This teaches children how to prepare for all the transitions they will have in life. It also cuts down on the potential parent conflicts. These can come from Parent A angrily yelling at Parent B because child says, “Parent B didn’t pack my cleats, and I have a game tonight!” Parents who already feel tense about co-parenting can be tempted to take on the battle of “Parent B failing their child.” Instead, parents who equip children to pack their stuff put the responsibility on those with a vested interest in getting it right. You create more confident, resilient children. You also cut off children playing you each other, which leads to better co-parenting.
Inform schools of the need for duplicate notices.
Children need both parents to show up—for parent-teacher conferences, games, recitals, and disciplinary meetings. If Dad was more in charge of this area of life, Mom may still expect him to keep her up-to-date . You both will need to own the responsibility to connect with the school and teachers and to follow through on helping with homework, making meetings, and participating in events.
Many schools use an online information system that sends out messages to everyone who subscribes. These work beautifully for co-parents. Each parent subscribes and has all information at their fingertips.
Other schools have such systems for general information, but still only send other notices to one parent—e.g. notices of disciplinary action for a child. Homework assignments may come home in the backpack. For these situations, parents need to develop a system for clear sharing of information.
Coparenting apps such as 2houses.com provide ease of sharing. These offer communication streams, calendars, financial sections, and medical sections. Whether it’s an event to put on the calendar, a communication around discipline at school, or the payment for a choir club—the parenting app organizes information for both parents’ access. Once the parent receiving the information puts it into the app, their duty to share is fulfilled. It is up to the other parent to regularly check the app. Parents who use these find they communicate much more clearly. This clarity allows both to be informed. Even better—the clarity cuts down on conflict as both parents are on the same page.
Navigate the practical
Most parents are keenly aware of the practical issues. Others, overwhelmed by all the details of living out a new divorce, lose track. It’s important to work with each other and the school.
Buses—Many schools will transport children between houses. Meet early with the school to see if they allow this and how to set up. Then, develop a system with children to remind them when to get on which bus. For younger children, make sure you talk with the bus driver, so they know both parents’ faces. If other people will get children off the bus, they will likely need to meet the bus driver as well. Drivers won’t discharge children to people they haven’t met.
Lunches—Parents will need to coordinate filling the lunch account. For some this expenses is part of child support. For others, especially those with children who use the ala carte option and run up the bill, parents often choose to share the expense. The parent putting money into the lunch account can record the payment in the parenting app. The other can then pay their portion as agreed.
Homework—Nothing creates tension like one parent receiving notice of an assignment due days later, then transferring child to other parent the night before it’s due—with no work done. It’s hard to build a volcano or sew a costume the morning it’s due.
Formerly, the bulk of the parenting load fell on the custodial parent. With the transition to more 50-50 parenting, both parents must own buying clothes, paying expenses, and getting homework done. If one parent hasn’t been as involved in homework, it’s time to get involved. Parents will need to inform each other of deadlines and work together to support children in meeting them.
“How do I tell my friends?!!”
Despite divorce being more common, children of divorce often feel weird or different. Telling friends—especially those whose parents are together—may be one of your child’s biggest fears. If they ask, spend time helping them think through what they want to say.
Some need privacy. In a world that posts everything, the idea of private has been lost. School mates may press for details from children not yet ready to talk. Children need assurance their lives are their own. Especially after so much of their life has been changed without their input. Give your child the space to practice with you what they want to share and with whom.
Other friends may share their own divorce story—some painting a picture of combating parents and war stories of Christmases ruined. Unfortunately, many parents who come through the adversarial system—after having been pitted against each other for years—only know how to battle.
If you worked to be cooperative, remind your children those parents aren’t you. You are working together to care for them. You created a parenting plan so children could have open, supported relationships with each of you. There will be no Christmas war stories in your family. Reassure them that they still have their family—it is just redefined. This base of support provides the security for them to face their friends and school from a place of security.
Returning to school means adjustment. For children returning after divorce, parents make the adjustment easier when you plan ahead and work together for your children.
If you would like more information on navigating all the decisions divorce requires, contact Resolution Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation. This is an advertisemet
