“Turkey—check. Special cheese for hors d’oeuvres—check. Jello for the kids’ dessert……” Tears filled Jenny’s eyes as she laid down her grocery list. She was hosting her parents and sibling families for Thanksgiving, but her kids would be with Dan and his family. How could she celebrate Thanksgiving without them? How could she think of giving thanks when her world was tossed upside down? Jenny, and all those experiencing divorce, need to know there can be gratitude—even in divorce.
Holidays tear at the hearts of divorced parents. One spends the holiday missing their children and feeling alone. The other, while enjoying the time with the children, still grieves all that has changed and (often) feels guilty for the other parent. Both may feel the holidays will never be good again. Gratitude changes this.
Gratitude refocuses thinking and shifts perspectives. When we focus on what we have instead of all that has been lost, joy returns. Thanksgiving offers the perfect setting to do just that. While loss in divorce is real, divorce doesn’t change everything. Giving thanks for what remains and what may come offers hope—even in the midst of the pain.
Why even bother with gratitude?
Research reveals multiple benefits of choosing to be grateful. Yes—choosing. None of us is born grateful. Yet, when we consciously stop to recognize something positive and say “thank you,” huge benefits flow.
- Longer lifespan—You can add 7 years to your life by being grateful. (About the same as quitting smoking.)
- Increased resilience—Having come through one of the toughest challenges life brings, you know how to adapt, adjust, and move forward. That’s resiliency.
- Better performance at work—Gratitude brings higher self-esteem. People with higher self-esteem perform better. Focusing on the positive brings creativity, insight to options, and more dedication by believing “good” will result.
- Better health—Thankfulness leads to better sleep and less stress, resulting in better overall health.
- More empathy—Grateful people tend to be more empathetic, which then leads to more meaningful relationships.
Given the benefits of thankfulness—why not choose to be grateful?
How do I choose gratitude?
Though gratitude may not come naturally, it’s not hard. Giving thanks is simply the conscious act of pausing throughout the day to notice what is good and say, “Thank you,” to the One who gives. If you feel you have lost everything, you may struggle to notice anything good. Here’s how to start.
Give thanks for what remains.
When the reality of loss starts to overwhelm her clients, a fellow mediator asks, “What else is there?” That’s a powerful question.
Amidst the loss—what else is there? Make a list. Then, go down the list saying, “Thank you,” for each one.
- Home—Whether you get to keep the house, must move, or are living with relatives—if you have a place to lay your head, be thankful. Clients often find their own space provides sanctuary and rest. One client said, “I knew I wasn’t sleeping but not why. Now that I have my own space, I feel safe and sleep great! My mood is so much better!”
- Family/friends—While some may have fallen away, the friends or family who supported all along you are proven true. Give thanks for them. Spend time with them.
- Job—If you have a job—give thanks. Many would be grateful to have yours. If you must look for a job—be thankful for your skills, interests, and people in your corner helping you find one.
Be grateful for what may come.
Marriage requires blending lives. While the blending benefits both, it also means we must give up at least some areas of our own to advance the marriage. While divorce brings many unwanted changes, it also offers opportunity to reinvest in what was set aside or explore new interests.
- Relationships—Whether you connect with old friends or find new ones, your new life brings the opportunity for new relationships. One former client dreaded losing her home in the divorce. Then, she found a home in a neighborhood which had a monthly dinner club, an exercise group, and regular volunteer endeavors. “I haven’t been this connected in years!” she exclaimed. “Trying to fix my marriage took all my energy. I just holed up. Now, I’m out doing things. I forgot how much I enjoy people. I love my new life!”
- Hobbies/interests—Whether you pull the camera from the back of the closet or sign up for the dance class that you feared would take too much time from home—you get to invest in what interests you. You can travel to the dude ranch or exotic beach you liked but spouse didn’t. In short—you have blank pages in the book of your life. Start to write the next chapter of your story based on what you desire.
- Deeper connection to children—Parents often find they are able to be “more themselves” when parenting from separate homes. When parents struggle to get along, they struggle in every area—including parenting. Instead of constantly butting heads, often one parent will just step away from parenting. Divorce offers that parent the chance to engage with children as they desire. When both parents are involved, children experience deeper, more authentic relationships with both.
Helping children become more grateful.
As you experience the benefits of gratitude, you will likely want to share these with your children. Children who have gone through the difficult redefinition of their family often grieve. That grief can trap them.
The good news is that gratitude helps refocus our children on the good that remains. That new focus brings the same benefits of better health, more resiliency, and higher engagement at school to children as to us. More, it brings hope.
How can we teach our children to be grateful?
- Model it—Children, especially younger children, do what they see. When you say, “Thank you for cleaning up your toys. That helps our home and makes my job easier,” your children experience the joy of being a help and being thanked. That empowers children. As they see you thank them, their teachers, the clerk at the grocery, and the neighbor—they learn thankfulness matters.
- Join with them—Children learn new skills when we join with them. After Christmas, make hot chocolate, grab a stack of thank you notes, and gather around the kitchen table. You can begin a note to Grandma expressing your thanks, then pass it to your children to add their own line. Doing the process with you is much less overwhelming than you saying, “Remember to write your thank-you notes.”
- Build the habit. After you leave a movie, museum, or hike in the woods, ask something like, “I enjoyed the beautiful view. What did you enjoy?” Then, take a moment to say, “We give thanks for the great jump scare or the slide down the hill.” It may feel corny. But, building that pattern cements in your children the pattern of pausing, noticing, and giving thanks.
Recognize that hard things still happen.
Gratitude is not a talisman against hard things. People get sick. Jobs fall through. Friends let us down. Gratitude is the ability to, when this happens, still ask, “What else is there?” and be grateful for the good that remains. That builds the resiliency needed to face and move through the hard.
Holidays make the hard of divorce more real. Being grateful doesn’t mean squelching those feelings. They need to be expressed and processed. At the same time, gratitude can provide a source of strength to do just that. Because divorce isn’t everything, we can have gratitude—even in divorce.
If you would like more information on navigating all the decisions divorce requires, contact Resolution Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation. This is an advertisem
