Dana and Jarret emerged from signing their divorce agreement thrilled to have the whole process over. They had hoped their attorneys would offer ideas on co-parenting; but, left with nothing, they decided they would figure it out. Yet, in the two years since, things were worse. A lot worse. They couldn’t agree on what the boys needed, and neither really knew what to do about it. Then, a friend mentioned, “Why don’t you talk to my mediator to update your plan.” Dana didn’t even know revisiting parenting plans was a thing. Could that work?
The answer—yes! Revisiting co-parenting plans offers huge opportunity for parents to get on the same page and work together more effectively. Whether your original plan worked well but needs updating or your plan failed because you were left without guidance, a new plan may help.
Why should we update parenting plans?
The key reason to update your parenting plan is to provide a foundation for you to work together to care for your children. The statistics are scary. Divorce is directly tied to a myriad of negative consequences for children. From increased depression, anxiety, and eating disorders to lower functioning at school (lower grades and graduation rates) to more difficulty forming healthy relationships to higher participation in risky behaviors—the impact of divorce on children can be incredibly harmful. But, it doesn’t have to be.
The research is clear. The number one factor (and there’s no close second) determining how children do post-divorce is how their parents work together. If you can work together to care for your children, children tend to do well. Of course, they still grieve the changes in their family and need support as they adjust to the new, redefined family. Yet, when children know they can count on both parents working together to care for them, children often thrive post-divorce.
Most conflict between parents comes from unmet expectations. And most of the time, expectations aren’t met because they weren’t clearly stated or, when stated, were understood differently. In most litigated divorces, parenting plans give little detail or definition. Often, they say, “Parents agree to follow the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines.” When attorneys routinely dispute what the guidelines mean, how are parents supposed to know what to do?
Good parenting plans offer clear detail on what parents will do to care for their children, including:
- when each parent will care for children,
- how to navigate holidays in ways that work for each household and protect special moments,
- how to make decisions on school, healthcare, or activities,
- engaging with extended family,
- how to pay for expenses not covered by child support
and many others. Mediators guide parents to come to mutual decisions on all the different areas of parenting. Then, the mediator puts those decisions into a detailed agreement that makes expectations clear. When parents specifically decide what you will do, you set a foundation for working together. Conflict significantly reduces, and you learn you can count on each other’s support. More, a plan that works for both parents gives children their best opportunity to thrive.
When should we update the parenting plan?
Parents (and children) benefit from updates when:
- Life circumstances change
- Children enter new developmental phases
- Parents don’t know what they can/should do under the plan
- Parents can’t work together to co-parent
Changing lives means changing parenting plans. When a parent gets a new job, needs to move, begins a committed relationship, or becomes ill—you may need to adjust how you work together. Likewise, what worked when children were preschool age rarely still works as they enter school, adolescence, or driving. Finally, if you don’t know what to do or just can’t work together, working with a conflict resolution professional to define the problem and find solutions makes life easier.
If changes are small, you can simply agree between yourselves on the change. If the plan significantly changes—i.e. the days each cares for children or the amount of child support being paid—such changes should be filed with the court.
How do we update parenting plan?
Fortunately, updating plans is easy. As noted above couples often find their original plan didn’t work because no time was spent developing the plan in the divorce process. Attorneys, comfortable litigating financial issues, often spend less time on parenting sides of divorce. This can be out of genuine desire to protect the family unit from conflict, a lack of knowledge of family needs, or—most often—a mere reliance on the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines, believing those are the way to parent post-divorce.
Yet, anyone who has purchased a “one-size-fits-all” garment knows it rarely fits anyone. What’s true for fabric is more true for families. Even the authors of the Guidelines know this. The Guidelines were intended to be the least bad alternative—not the epitome of parenting. The hope was that parents would decide what is best for their families rather than default to Guidelines. And, parents do know what is best for their children. They can make workable plans—even when in deep conflict—if guided and given the chance. Mediation provides this chance.
Mediators guide parents through conversations about:
- what you each desire in your relationship with your children,
- how to blend your strengths as parents, and
- how best to work together to support your children.
The mediator then assists you in coming to agreements about how to care for your children. The greatest benefit from such agreements is the focus on the specifics (i.e. drop-off and pick-up times, exchanges, expectations for handling holidays, payment for sports or cell phones, etc.). You discuss and create expectations for the daily work of parenting.
This clarity of expectations proves key for reducing conflict and creating cooperation between parents. More, the updated parenting plan includes all the details. As memories get fuzzy—you can refer to your agreement for “this is what we decided.”
And even after you decide, you can adjust the plan as you agree. If it’s Mom’s weekend and Dad gets tickets to the big game, he can ask to take the kids. Mom retains the ability to say no (in case she already had plans), but you are free to agree to changes as you go. And, the best parents do.
Another resource—when parents struggle to work together, they often disagree about what the children want. One or both may couch their own desires as the children’s. Or, parents may be told different things by their children as children try to please both. Another beneficial element for changing plans can be Child Inclusive Mediation.
Child Inclusive Mediation (CIM) offers children the opportunity to speak into the parenting plan. While children don’t sit in on mediation sessions or dictate the plan, CIM provides opportunity for children to express what they desire, fear, or want to change through a trained Child Consultant. The Child Consultant then shares these insights with parents and in the mediation process as a way to include children’s perspectives. As life changes and children grow, their insights into how they want life to look provides key information for positive parenting plans.
Once decisions are reached, the mediator puts those changes into an Agreed Entry and files it with the court. Judges, after reviewing to ensure the agreement meets the best interests of the children, can then sign the order to update the parenting plan. You rest in the security knowing plan you designed can be enforced.
Best of all—with defined expectations, you know what you need to do and what to expect from the other parent. Conflict goes down, and you are able to work together more effectively. More—your children, protected from the ongoing conflict between their parents, relax and enjoy relationships with both. They begin to thrive.
Most parents keenly desire to do the best for their children—and wonder if they are doing it nearly every day. Add the turmoil of divorce, and parenting gets harder. A defined plan helps—giving a sure foundation for working together and clear guidance along the way.
If you would like more information on navigating all the decisions divorce requires, contact Resolution Mediation for our Couples Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation. This is an advertisement
