As Andy crammed the suitcases into the back of the van, he grumbled, “I will NOT spend another Christmas holiday like this!” As memories of the ongoing fights—or cold silences—ruining yet another holiday swirled, Andy wondered, “Am I really ready for divorce?”
More couples file for divorce in January than any other month for a reason. Many decide to divorce during the holidays, thinking, “I can’t do THIS one more year.” They grit their teeth and get through the celebrations—for the sake of the kids or family or year-end job assignments. But, they want a new start in the new year.
At the same time, between 25% and 50% (depending on the study) of those choosing divorce come to regret the choice later. So, how can you know if you are really ready for divorce—or simply for a different marriage?
No one wakes up and, out of the blue, decides to divorce. Most have considered the option for years. But despite years of thought, some opt for divorce because they don’t know any other way out of the unhappiness. A few key questions help you know if you should divorce or try something else.
What do I want in marriage?
Instead of focusing on what is wrong with your marriage, first consider, “What do I want?” Specifically defining expectations for your marriage helps you honestly talk with your spouse about whether your marriage can work. It’s hard to succeed if you don’t know what you are aiming for. Defining expectations helps you both aim at a concrete target.
When you go from, “I want to feel like a priority” to “I would feel like I and our marriage are priorities if we committed to at least 3 dinners together each week, a phone call during the day to check in, and at least 2 dates a month,” the picture grows clearer.
Each of you should define what you want:
- financially
- as parent
- in your career, vocation, interest, and
- as a couple.
This clarity helps lay a foundation for fruitful conversations. And, if one or both aren’t willing to take the trouble to do this, that may be all you need to know.
How does our current marriage compare to what we want?
When spouses know what each wants, the map for getting there grows clearer. Focus on keeping what is working and on changing what isn’t.
First, recognize what you are doing right. This is easy to lose sight of when other issues create huge strain. Make a list of where your current marriage meets what you want, then celebrate those elements.
Then, ask, “What needs to change?” As you each define what changes must come, you get to the key question, “Are you willing to make the changes you and your spouse need?”
What else is going on?
Context can be huge. When you struggle with your spouse—what else is going on?
- Did your mother move in?
- Did your child become ill?
- Did you/your spouse start struggling with addiction?
- Did one of you lose a job?
- Are there patterns in you (from past relationships, traumas, griefs) that keep you from fully committing to your spouse/marriage?
As you consider the “what else,” you may discover that more attention needs to go to addressing that challenge than questioning your marriage.
Many believe marriage is the magic potion for feeling good. They think, “If I’m not feeling good, my marriage must be failing me.”
Sure—marriage can and should bring security, partnership, and joy. But, it’s not magic. And feelings, while important, are unstable—making them terrible measuring sticks. Especially if life is throwing a challenge that may have each of you feeling insecure and vulnerable. Divorce doesn’t fix these other challenges–it only makes them worse. So, taking stock of what else is happening may lead you to the real issues to address.
Instead of pulling away, see challenges as an opportunity to lean into each other a bit more. Considering how to pool your differing strengths to meet the challenge and give each other support may create deeper connection.
At the other end of the spectrum, Dr. Tim Gardner, counselor and speaker on family issues, says, “The trouble with life is that it is so daily.” Yep! The dailiness of life wears. If your “what else” is just the daily grind of life, then try changing it up. Go back to your marriage definition—can you pull ideas to ease the daily grind and enliven your marriage?
What voices guide my decision on whether to divorce?
Happily married couples tend to hang around other happily married couples. So ask, “Who are we around?” Even more, “Who are we/am I listening to?” If you find yourself with friends complaining about their spouses, perhaps seek conversations with happily married people. Join a couple’s group at church or go on a marriage retreat. Read a book or listen to a podcast on building marriage. If you’ve been with one counselor and aren’t seeing improvement, perhaps try one with a different approach. In short, examine the guidance you are getting to see if a different voice might help.
Do we share the same values?
People pull toward and make decisions from their values. What values define you/your spouse? Do these have you pulling in the same direction? Are you making joint or separate or combating decisions? If values differ, do you want to move to shared values? If not—what does that mean for your relationship? For your life choices? For your life direction?
What caused me to stop trusting my spouse? Does this mean I’m ready to divorce?
People decide to divorce because they stopped trusting their spouse. Distrust comes through big betrayals (like affairs/money fraud) and/or daily failures (consistently failing to follow through on promises, criticizing a spouse in public and private, or actively opposing the other’s values and priorities). If you have stopped trusting your spouse, why? What would it take for them to regain your trust?
Most people hate filing for divorce—so they consider the option long and hard. Yet, despite the huge effort to keep going, they still aren’t sure how to know when to throw in the towel. We hope these questions help you truly assess your marriage and find the right support for next steps. Steps that bring joy to next year’s holidays.
If you would like more information on navigating divorce, contact Resolution Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation.
