As Jenny dashed into the store to grab water for the hot kids in the car, she ran headlong into a life-size Santa model. Wiping her forehead, still sweaty from the summer-like heat, she wondered how the holidays could already be here. More, in their first year of divorce, how could she and Brad make them good? Sure, their parenting plan gave time. But, she wanted to know how to work with Brad to make them extra special for the children. Floundering, she really wanted some holiday co-parenting do’s and don’ts.
Sometimes, it’s better to first know what NOT to do. Then, parents can figure out what to do based on their own values, traditions, and logistics.
Don’t go overboard. Do focus on what matters.
Guilt can drive parents to extremes. Trying to make up for the major changes in their family, many parents are tempted to buy more presents. Or the really expensive present. Or both.
Other parents cram activities into every waking moment. Trying to make the holidays happy, children end up worn out and grumpy.
Or, parents wear themselves out in the strain to “make magic.” (Think finding a new place/pose for the Elf on the Shelf).
Going overboard exhausts. Exhaustion rarely leads to warm holiday memories.
Instead, do pause to ask the kids, “What do you remember from last Halloween/Thanksgiving/Hannukah/Christmas?” You quickly discern between the fond and not-so-fond memories. Discard the not-so-fond. Then, divvy up the fond with the other parent so neither is overwhelmed.
If they loved watching “Arthur Christmas” on Thanksgiving night or walking through the lights at Newfields—focus on those. If they talk about the Elf, you know the effort really does matter. Feel good about that effort and find another place to cut.
The gifts children remember offer insight into the kind of gift that truly hits. This helps trim the list. If they don’t remember any gifts—maybe it’s time to invest in experiences, not stuff. At minimum, you know you don’t need to break the bank to put more packages under the tree.
Don’t undermine the other parent’s favorites. Do find special moments for both.
One dad called—enraged that Mom had taken their son to Rail Trails. “She KNOWS that’s MY tradition with our son! I’ve done it since he was two. Stop her!”
Mom upstaged Dad’s deep ties to this experience with their son by taking him the day before Dad’s planned trip. She just wanted to stick it to Dad since he got Christmas that year.
Her moment of personal triumph was short-lived. The ensuing battle with Dad ruined Rail Trails for son. And, significantly damaged her relationship with him.
Parents rarely “win” by undermining the other parent. Instead, protect the other parent’s special moments. Even if they don’t reciprocate—you make the holidays great for your children. And, isn’t that the point?
Even better, talk with the other parent about how to share the special moments of the holidays—either by going together, divvying up the list, or alternating years for those that matter to both.
Don’t cling to the past. Do focus on the future.
A lot changes in divorce. Changes that make some past traditions impossible. Don’t try to force the traditional expensive holiday trip into a meager budget or fight over a Thanksgiving schedule already settled in the parenting plan.
Do accept that things will be different. And, different creates opportunity for new good things.
Each parent now has the opportunity to join with children to celebrate in ways that fit their home, priorities, and values. If visiting family for Thanksgiving won’t work due to the parenting plan, can you invite locals to share the meal and create a new “family?” Starting something new helps children appreciate the differing homes they now have with each parent.
More, when you recognize the challenge and affirm the efforts of the other parent to make the holidays memorable, you help children adapt and enjoy. You give permission for them to enjoy both parents. Children learn holidays are still special—just in different ways.
If you would like more information on navigating divorce, contact Resolution Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a divorce professional for guidance in your personal situation.
