Making Marriage Last

How to make marriage last

Key tips to make marriage last

Isis stared at the sparkling diamond on her finger. The memory of Jay kneeling at the restaurant as he put it on floated in front of her. This represented all she ever wanted—the promise of a life with Jay. “But, can we keep this promise?” Isis wondered. “How can we make this marriage last?”

Hearts, flowers, chocolates—love is in the air. Couples everywhere make commitments on Valentine’s Day—many the commitment of a lifetime together. Valentine’s cards offer multiple ways to declare undying commitment. But, the advice is often as thin as the paper written on. What can couples really do to make their relationship last?

To Make Marriage Last–Build Trust

Knowing how to make something last hinges on knowing what destroys it. As mediators, we meet couples every day who decide they can’t stay together. While they offer different reasons—the common thread? Broken trust.

It happens in a variety of ways—from huge betrayals (adultery/financial fraud) to small, everyday habits (patterns of failing to follow through/running spouse down in front of friends).  As couples move from believing their spouse is “their person,” their safe place, the one who will have their back—they stop trusting. And, walls go up. Instead of being open and vulnerable (intimate), they become guarded and separate (distant). The marital unraveling begins.

Building trust boils down to one thing—develop the pattern that actions match words. Everyone forgets to grab the milk on the way home sometimes. It’s human. But, when forgetting is the pattern—people don’t just go without their morning cereal. They begin thinking, often in tiny ways, “I can’t count on them.” An increasing feeling of not being able to count on each other is the death knell for marriage.

People marry to have that person they can count on. While spouses can’t, and shouldn’t, ever be the sole key relationship—they are supposed to be the prime person we count on. So, be that.

Develop patterns of making actions match words. If you promise to get milk, find a system to remember the milk. If your spouse talks about the big meeting they are leading, give space to prepare and remember to ask how it went. If you declare your spouse is important, adjust your life to show their importance—even (and maybe especially) if that adjustment is sacrificial. As you do, you become the person they know they can count on.

To Make Marriage Last–Repair Damage

Despite the best of intentions, we mess up. We forget. We trample the priorities of the other to get our way. We fail to support in key moments. That’s human.

John Gottman, founder of Gottman Institute, notes that struggling couples don’t experience more conflict than healthy couples. Conflict is a normal part of relationship. Struggling couples just don’t handle it as well. Healthy couples work to protect the other person, even in conflict. And, when they do damage the other, they find a way to repair the damage. This is the key difference.

Repair involves concretely acknowledging what we’ve done to hurt the other, asking forgiveness, and finding ways to protect them in the future. Protecting them shows their priority to us and our relationship with them.

To Make Marriage Last–Keep Romance Going

Romance plays a key role in marriage—just as in dating. Dressing up for each other. Planning fun activities. Trying new things together. Setting aside time for intimacy—(including but not just sex).

Married couples, focused on the daily grind, often lose this—thinking it’s unimportant. It’s not. One measure of the whether we prioritize the other can be how much effort we put into romance—into setting aside special time and attention for each other.

Romance is much like the furnace in the house. It’s easy to overlook and feels expensive to maintain—but when it’s gone, so is the warmth. So spend the time and energy to keep the heat in your relationship.

As humans, our deepest needs are to feel secure and significant. Healthy marriages provide a huge source of both. As you build trust in each other, care for each other (even in conflict), and set aside time to romance each other–the security and significance grows. 

If you would like more information on navigating making marriage last, contact Resolution Mediation for our Couples Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.

As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation. This is an advertisement.

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