George fretted for months—would life get better? Meaning—would his marriage get better? If not, was he ready for divorce? He buried his head in his hands—too many questions. To divorce or not to divorce–that was the question.
Thoughts of divorce bring questions–questions that stir confusion and fear. Fortunately, information calms fear and eases confusion. And a few key questions actually help clarify whether your marriage can be saved—or it’s time to divorce.
Do you want your children to have the marriage you have?
People can sometimes talk themselves into staying in a relationship that isn’t working. They emotionally cut themselves off from their spouse and turn to work, friends, or hobbies for joy. But, these same people readily state they do not want their children’s marriage to be like theirs.
The bad news? Children become what they live. So, your marriage isn’t just shaping you. It is shaping what your children expect from and how they will engage in marriage. Do you want your patterns to be theirs?
If not, how can you change what they are living to something that matches what you desire for them? Either by reshaping your marriage or by creating separate homes where you live life in ways that shape their expectations and behaviors to what you want for them?
Do you or your spouse engage in any of these?
Dr. John Gottman, premiere relationship expert, identified 4 key patterns that doom marriages. Called the “4 Horses of the Apocalypse for Marriage,” these patterns signal that the marriage is over.
Please note—most people engage in these behaviors at times. That’s human. But, when they become the dominant pattern, marriages fail. They are:
- Criticism—beyond occasional critical statements, this involves turning something a spouse has done into a statement about their character or who they are as people. Treating normal mistakes as absolute moral failings.
- Contempt—moving beyond criticism to treating the other person with a virulent mixture of anger and disgust.
- Defensiveness—one or both spouses refusing to own their own conduct and putting all blame on the other person for issues in the marriage.
- Stonewalling—instead of overtly blaming, this pattern involves retreating and refusing to work on issues or even discuss them.
Marriages don’t survive these patterns. Spouses must learn to engage in healthier ways to relate (and it is completely possible to do so—couples just have to commit to new patterns) or the relationship will end—whether you actually divorce or not.
Have you given your best shot at saving the marriage?
Many resources exist to help couples reshape their marriage into something better.
Good friendships—we become like the 5 people we spend the most time with. If you want to become a happier couple, spend time with other happy couples. You get to see patterns that work—for communicating, sharing loads, parenting, and navigating tough times.
You also see that happy couples aren’t perfect couples. They struggle, too. They make mistakes, repair those mistakes, learn, and find ways to keep working together. These friendships take away myths about a “perfect” marriage and help set realistic expectations.
Couples Retreats—Various groups offer couples the opportunity to get away and focus on rekindling or rebuilding their marriage. For couples pulled in many directions, just getting away together can prove invaluable. When combined with gaining specific information on healthy relationship patterns, communication, and other marital issues—such retreats offer targeted tools to work on your marriage. You also often gain connections with other couples wanting good marriages, which opens the door to spending more time with happy couples. Finally, such retreats may help you realize you need more assistance to change your relationship, like counseling.
Counseling—often the go-to for resolving marital strife for good reason. Therapists help couples better understand their struggles, motivations, and differences. They note difficulties in communication or conflict patterns and explain how these may create strife. Therapists then offer insights for getting to something better. They help each person better understand themself, their spouse, and how to work together. Therapy is best as a tool—not a weapon. Go with the goal of, “How do we improve our marriage?” not “How do I get the therapist to fix my spouse?”
Couples Mediation—a conflict-resolution approach to help couples improve their relationship. Instead of therapeutic interventions, mediators work with couples to define the issues causing strife and come to agreements on what they will do to address the issues. In couples mediation you tend focus on very concrete areas such as finances, decision-making, and goals for the future. For example, if finances are defined as the key issue causing strife—the mediator would help you gather financial information, set joint goals for your finances, form an agreed budget to meet those goals, and help you come to agreements around spending.
Couples Mediation often combines well with Couples Therapy to offer a wider range of resources for couples to use to repair their marriage. It can also be an option for those who are hesitant to go to therapy or feel they tried therapy and desire something else.
How does life staying married compare to life after divorce?
You might benefit from creating a concrete comparison chart of the benefits and drawbacks of remaining married vs moving toward divorce. Elements could include:
- What would need to change to make our marriage work?
- Am I willing to make those changes? Is the other person?
- How would life change if we divorced—financially, with the children, in my lifestyle, in my other relationships? Are those changes helpful to me? Harmful?
Mediators also help couples address this question. You can seek mediation simply to explore whether to stay married or divorce. You gain clarity through seeing the financial, parenting, lifestyle, or other implications of both divorce vs remaining married. As mediators run the financial spreadsheets or put parenting options on the calendar, each person moves from vague concerns or worries about divorce to concrete information on how life will look.
Finally, discernment counseling provides a very short-term counseling process to guide couples through specifically deciding whether to remain married or divorce. It works even if one of you deeply desires divorce and the other deeply desires to remain married.
What do others in your life recommend?
Of course, the decision is ultimately up to you. But, there is huge value in seeking wise counsel. What do those in your life who know you and desire the best for you say?
Many struggling couples find huge benefit from the inputs of wise friends, family, clergy, or others. Those closest to you may more clearly see the patterns in your marriage causing issues and have insight on how the two of you could relate more effectively.
Or, they may help you see how other factors could be impacting your relationship—i.e. job losses, children on the spectrum, caring for an elderly parent, or a recent move. They may offer the wisdom and ongoing support needed to help you navigate difficult situations in ways that ease the stress and draw you closer to each other in the process.
In other situations, these advisors may note ongoing patterns that bring damage. They may actually be in the best position to reflect back to you that your best efforts have not created a healthy relationship.
Their insights may provide the clarity needed to realize that divorce may be healthier than remaining married. They also give the encouragement needed to know that you have given your marriage its best shot and that the relationship may be more damaging (to you, your children, your future) than divorce. Finally, they can also come alongside you with the support to make needed changes.
If you wonder whether “to divorce or not to divorce,” you don’t have to wander in confusion. Instead of vague questions, work—either on your own or others—to answer these questions. The key is to finding the answers that stop the cycle of fear and allow you to more intentionally move from what isn’t working to what will.
If you would like more information on navigating all the decisions divorce requires, contact Resolution Mediation for our Couples Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation. This is an advertisement.
