“I’m so excited!” Jenny thought as she ended the call with her Mom. Growing up, Jenny’s family always went to her grandparents’ cabin for the 4ith of July. But, during COVID, her grandfather sold the cabin. The family hugely missed the special moments around the lake and watching fireworks from the beach. Jenny’s folks just closed on the purchase of a cabin just 3 down from her grandparents’ old cabin. She was truly celebrating the 4th again!
Then Jenny cringed. She grabbed the calendar. Sure enough—according to the parenting plan, this was her weekend. But, being an odd year, it seemed the 4th might be “Bob’s time.” With no detail on when the exchange should happen or if she could use a vacation day for this—Jenny didn’t know whether to be happy or cry.
Jenny and Bob had been trying hard to cooperate, but the divorce was fresh. She wondered if he even had plans. This was their first holiday, and they didn’t have a clue what to do.
Steeped in connection and celebration—holidays hold deep meaning. More, they scream, “Family!” So, the challenge of navigating a redefined family comes to a head during holidays.
The good news—holidays can still bring connection and celebration. Even from two homes. It starts with defining expectations.
Define expectations for celebrating holidays.
Avoiding conflict proves crucial to happy holidays—especially conflict between parents. And nothing creates conflict like unmet expectations. While many parenting plans define which parent “gets” which holiday, they can leave a lot undefined. This leaves parents expecting different things.
Parents help ensure a conflict-free holiday when they expressly agree on how to work together during the holiday. It starts with communication.
Jenny decided to call Bob to ask if they could grab lunch to make a plan for the 4th. She let him know that her goal was for them to work together to make the most of the day for the kids.
Jenny shared that her family was restarting their lake tradition. Bob had been present for many of those trips and remembered how special they were.
Bob shared that his parents were hosting a family gathering at Symphony on the Prairie to celebrate. All the cousins were attending, so he really wanted the kids to go.
As they compared notes, Bob realized Symphony happened on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th. He checked to see if his family could go to Symphony on the 3rd. Jenny could then pick up the kids early the 4th and head to the lake. She would be a bit later than others arriving but would be in time for much of the fun. Jenny and Bob found that, with some planning, both were able to share their traditions with their kiddos. Meaning the kids got the best of the day with both parents.
Bob and Jenny realized from this conversation that their parenting plan had very few details on the remaining holidays. They decided to take the time to set expectations for the remainder of the year.
Ask, “How can we work together?”
Bob and Jenny first decided to create some questions to use to help them work together. When it came to Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holidays, Bob and Jenny discussed what each of them wanted to do with the children. They asked themselves:
- “What will mean the most to the children?” Jenny and Bob first brainstormed a list of the moments that defined each holiday for their children. Moments may be as big as the Rail Trails for Christmas or the annual Labor Day campout or as small as watching The Santa Clause after Thanksgiving dinner.
They then asked, “Of these, what can we still do—based on finances, timing, and other commitments?” This brought focus for each season. Jenny realized that some years, plans wouldn’t allow time to get to the lake cottage. She realized she might need to think of what new traditions she could create. Bob also offered that he would try to work with his family to find ways to let the kids do both for as long as possible.
- How does each parent plan to celebrate with the children? For each holiday, Bob and Jenny compared notes. Bob said he really wanted to keep Rail Trails at Christmas as his big thing with the kids. Jenny had thought she would take the kids just because they were used to going. She was glad Bob let her know how important it was to him. She would never want to unintentionally ruin that for him. Both realized how important it was to share what each planned to do, then work together to preserve the big moments.
Details to share on the plans include:
- when going (if overlaps the other parent’s time) including days and start/finish times,
- when each parent would tell the children, and
- any special arrangements needed.
Because the devil is in the details, they agreed to avoid just agreeing generally. For the 4th Bob said he would pick the kids up on the 3rd at 7:00 a.m. and bring them back on the 4th at 7:00 a.m. so Jenny could get on the road. With details set, Jenny could let her family know when to expect her. They could then plan so all the kids would have the best parts of the day together.
- Are there any activities we can still do together as a family? Key for parents doing activities together with the children is parents’ ability to engage well with each other. Bob and Jenny realized they both wanted to see their kids’ costumes and share in Trick or Treating each Halloween. They decided to share that day. They committed to keeping the tone light and the focus on the kids so kids could enjoy the time with both parents. They also agreed no new romantic partners would join—keeping it just family.
Jenny and Bob decided that if they found themselves bickering, competing, or stonewalling each other—they would agree to alternate the day. From their own parents’ divorces, they remembered holidays as events to survive, not celebrate. They wanted to be honest about whether they could keep the focus on the event and the children.
No matter how you feel about each other, you can preserve the holiday connection and celebration for your children. As you create meaning and fun for them, you preserve the joy of the holiday for all.
If you would like more information on navigating all the decisions divorce requires, contact Resolution Mediation for our Couples Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
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