Angie woke to deafening silence. She wondered, “It’s 6:00—where are the children?” Then, clarity broke. “They’re with Ken. It’s his Christmas.” No pitter-patter of feet. No shouts of glee. No Christmas-morning joy. Just loneliness and waiting. Angie wondered, “How will I survive Christmas morning?”
Angie knew, under the Parenting Time Guidelines, she would get the boys at noon and have them until 9:00 p.m. That helped. But, she also remembered how hard it was on the boys to divide Christmas. She didn’t want that to be their Christmas experience. How could she make it better?
Parents control how children experience holidays. Children will either fondly remember or dread them based on how parents shaped the experience. The best parents work together to make holidays special for their children. And parents can be “the best parents” even if they struggle to get along. A few key factors include:
For the parent enjoying Christmas morning
However you celebrate, most parents want the magic of Christmas morning. Yet, you only have until noon. How can you make the most of the morning for your children?
Manage time—Younger children often get the morning going very early. This helps provide time for a relaxed opening of presents, a meal, and time to play. Older children can be more challenging.
The older they get, the more likely children treasure sleeping in as part of a great Christmas morning. Yet, if they sleep until 10:00, the time around the tree and to eat a meal before the other parent comes is short. You may feel short-changed as the kids rapidly unwrap the gifts it took weeks to gather, barely pausing to appreciate them.
Even worse can be the glances at the clock. Children, aware the other parent is coming, often feel pressure to be ready to go on time. Especially if parents frequently fight about or demand “their” time.
To make the day go better, intentionally consider how to create a more relaxed pace with ideas like:
- Talk with older children about the best balance of rest and getting up to enjoy time together
- Consider opening family gifts on Christmas Eve and save Santa for the morning to allow more enjoyment of each gift
- Plan an easy breakfast—like overnight French toast—to allow less time preparing and more time eating together .
Help children get ready—Your biggest
frustration may be children’s continual glances at the clock to ensure they are ready for the other parent. One of the hottest parenting conflicts is failure of one parent to be on time for the other. Children feel the heat. If you drag out the morning and make them late for pick-up, they come to see you as the person who puts them in the crosshairs.
Help children get their things ready to go. This allows children to enjoy the morning without worrying they will upset anyone by being late. Your support helps them know they can count on you. And, your honor of their other parent makes them feel more secure. Children want to be with parents who make them feel secure. That security helps them (and you) enjoy the day.
For the parent picking up on Christmas
You know you only “get” nine hours. So, you likely planned the day to the minute. When kids are late, carefully laid plans fall apart. So, it’s easy to understand any anger. You want a special day.
Pause to consider—how special can the day be for your children if all they hear are arguments between their parents about “their time”? How does that shape their memories of holidays?
Even if parents don’t actively fight, children feel the pressure of making parenting schedules work. You have the power to change the dynamic for your children—whether the other parent works with you or not.
Intentionally remove the pressure—Children of all ages want to know when they will see each parent, how long they will be there, and what will happen. This offers ample opportunity to remove the pressure.
Find ways to tell them what will happen without making it their job to make the day work. Let children know they will sleep at their other home Christmas Eve and enjoy Christmas morning there. Then, you will come to pick them up for lunch.
You best help children when you say something like, “I know Christmas is exciting. I want you to enjoy your morning. I’ll text you when I’m on my way to give a heads-up. Then, I’ll text again once I arrive. If you could be out within 15 minutes, that will help us get back to our house on time.” (Or, if you’ve got extended family plans, “to Grandma’s to see the cousins on time.”)
The goal is to let children know the flow of the day and the reasons for moving along. We all know children hate to be pulled from playing with a new toy or a great snack to go somewhere. It’s rough on the kiddos and the parent trying to get them going. Letting children know what happens next helps them respond. Being patient as you wait allows children step away from mediating between their parents and instead just be children enjoying a day with both parents.
Support the other parent—The being patient as you wait comes out in how you greet your kiddos. If they are late, don’t mention it. Obviously, yelling at the children for keeping you waiting ruins their day—and any enjoyment of you. Yet, even a short, snide remark about the other parent makes kids feel they should have done something to keep the peace. You ease the day for them when you instead excitedly ask, “How was the morning?”
Giving children an opening to share their joy may be the greatest gift you give on Christmas. They get to tell you about their time and re-live the fun with you. They bond with you. And this sharing sets children up to look forward to what they will do with you. They get to have two great experiences with the people they love most.
For future Christmas Mornings–Be creative
Many parents feel stuck with the state parenting time guidelines for holidays. Some parents like the structure. Many others spend year after year fighting over the forced rigidity that can’t account for individual family’s priorities or schedules.
After 2 years of divorce under the guidelines, Angie and Ken had each missed the elements they most desired for Christmas. Neither wanted to face that again. So, they met with a mediator and came up with their own plan.
Special plans for each—Ken’s family celebrates each Christmas Eve. So, Angie agreed that Ken would care for the children each year from 9:00 p.m. on December 22nd to 9:00 p.m. Christmas Eve. This gave time for Ken and the kids to enjoy a day together decorating cookies, viewing Christmas lights, and playing on the 23rd. Ken treated Christmas Eve morning as his Christmas morning. He and the boys had ample time on the 24th to enjoy the food, presents, and Christmas Eve service with his family.
Angie would begin caring for their children at 9:00 p.m. Christmas Eve until 7:00 a.m. December 26th. This gave her time in the morning with their boys and time to celebrate with her family later in the day.
The boys didn’t have to split Christmas but could instead just enjoy time at each parent’s house. Angie having Christmas morning was balanced by the boys opening gifts at Ken’s first. The real win was that both were able to take the boys to extended family celebrations—keeping traditions they had enjoyed for years.
Balancing times—Ken and Angie got their plan from Brad and Eve who followed the same idea, but flipped back and forth with one parent getting Christmas Eve in the even year, the other in the odd.
Sharing the most special moments—Chenette and Travis agreed that Chenette would always have Christmas Eve into Christmas morning. Travis joined at the home for both parents to enjoy the kids to waking up, opening gifts, and having breakfast. The kids then left with Travis to spend the rest of the day with him.
The point is—you don’t have to split Christmas. The best plans may be the plans you create for your family. Call a mediator to help you make a better plan-and a better Christmas for all next year.
If you would like more information on navigating all the decisions divorce requires, contact Resolution Mediation by clicking HERE or calling 317-793-0825. We look forward to serving you.
As always, the above is for information only. Seek a professional for guidance in your personal situation. This is an advertisem
